Kids are curious. They want to know where babies come from and how bodies work. If you want to help your child learn about sexuality, this page will help you find the words.
Parents Are The Most Important Sex Educators of Their Children
You probably agree with this. Most parents do. But it also makes many parents a little nervous. Helping your child grow up to be sexually healthy is a big responsibility.
You have a wonderful opportunity as a parent to help your child grow up to be a loving, caring, sexually healthy adult. We hope this page will help you.
You can start by asking yourself a few questions. Did your parents talk to you about sex? What are your own attitudes towards sex? What are your fears? How do you pass on your feelings - both positive and negative - to your child?
Your values are important.
Children learn the basic values of their family very early in life. You teach your child by what you do and say. Your first loving touches at birth show your attitude towards the human body and sexuality. When you talk about sex to your child and explain how babies are made, you also pass on your values and attitudes at the same time.
In general, children follow certain stages of sexual development. The following information will give you some idea of what to expect, and how to talk to your child
throughout these stages.
Babies
At birth, your child begins the lifelong process of learning who she or he is as a sexual being. For example, the genitals (sex organs) already work. Your baby boy can have erections (his penis gets hard); your baby girls vagina can become wet. These responses happen even without touching. By the end of the first year, it is common for both boys and girls to touch their genitals. Some infants just a few months old may have orgasms.
Relax! This simply means that your child's body is working well. Children have feelings about their bodies long before they can talk. As you cuddle, feed, change and talk to your child, the good feelings grow. It is easier for infants who receive loving touch to be close to other people when they become adults. This is part of sex education.
Touch teaches your infant that she or he has a body; words teach your toddler what you think of your bodies.
Give your child words for all parts of the body. Along with 'eyes', 'nose', and 'mouth', teach 'vulva', 'penis', and 'anus'. These are the correct dictionary words that show respect for our bodies, are socially acceptable, and are understood by others.
Preschool Years
By about age three or four, your child will probably ask questions about sex. These questions may be embarrassing for you. For example, as you are getting on a crowded bus
your four-year-old asks "Where do babies come from?" Everyone is waiting for your answer! If you feel comfortable, you can give a short answer like, "They grow inside the Mommy," and leave it at that. If not, you can say, "That's a good question. Let's talk about it tonight when you go to bed." Then remember to talk about it.
Children are curious about themselves and others. This may lead to sex play with other children. Sex play is common between the ages of three and eight. Sometimes kids play with other children of the same sex, and sometimes with children of the opposite sex. They are learning the differences between boys and girls ... and what's the same. Boys especially may compare penises. You can teach them about circumcision, and say it is normal for penises to look different.
Most sex play is normal. However, some types of play might indicate sexual abuse. For instance, a child may clearly imitate adult sex acts; one child may force or bribe another; or there may be a big difference in age between the children. If you are concerned about sex play you see, call the Children's Aid for advice, or talk to your child's daycare staff, a public health nurse or school principal.
Children playing dress-up will often act out both male
and female roles. Girls may try to shave, like Daddy. Boys may try on Mommy's dress. This is normal. Children should, however, know by four years of age whether they are a boy or girl.
By age four, your child is able to learn the following:
• the name of all parts of the body, including the genitals;
• words that are socially acceptable (like 'go to the washroom' instead of 'make pee pee');
• that babies grow in a special place in a woman's body; and
• that babies are made by fathers and mothers.
Keep it simple, and give the facts. Giving young children correct information is easier than getting them to unlearn the fairy tales we sometimes tell them out of embarrassment.
School Age
As your children learn to read and become more independent, you have less control over what they see and hear. It is important to find out what your child is learning. You may find some conflict between what your children are learning outside your home and your family values. Remind your children that dictionary words are accepted everywhere. Often slang and swear words are not. They may be getting negative messages from T.V., movies, magazines, friends, videos, and the internet. If you are worried about what she or he is learning, say so.
Share your values, such as caring, responsibility, and trust. Keep on listening and talking. Your child will think about what you are saying. Open communication with you will
help your child make responsible decisions.
Between the ages of five and eight, many children become modest and need privacy. Parents should respect this right. For example, if the door is closed, knock. Your child should also learn that some things, like masturbation, are private. If your child forgets, remind him or her that private pleasures are for private places.
Pre-Teen Years
Sometimes between ages nine and fourteen, your child will start the changes of puberty. Your daughter's body will begin the changes which lead to her first period. Your son's body will develop towards his first ejaculation. They need to know well ahead of time what will happen to them, and why. Your child also needs reassurance.
Boys and Girls
• Mood changes.
• Skin gets oilier. They may have pimples and a blotchy complexion.
• Sexual thoughts, feelings, dreams and urges often become more intense.
• Need for independence becomes stronger.
• Being popular, part of the peer group, becomes more important.
Boys
• Testicles get bigger.
• Breasts may get puffy. This will go way when their hormones have settled.
• Body hair grows under arms, around genitals, on the face and sometimes on the chest.
• Leg and arm hair may thicken and darken.
• Testicles start to produce sperm. Boys experience wet dreams and may masturbate more.
• Penis grows.
• They get taller and gain weight.
• Voice becomes much deeper.
• Chest gets broader.
Girls
• Breasts develop (a lot, or a little ... depending on heredity and weight).
• Body hair grows under arms, around genitals, and sometimes, around the nipples and between breasts.
• Body hair may thicken and darken.
• About a year before menstruation begins, mucus may appear at the opening of the vagina or on the underpants.
• Ovulation and menstruation (periods) begin about one year after breast development; fertilization of an egg is now possible.
• Clitoris and labia (parts of genitals) grow somewhat in size and darken.
• Voice becomes a little deeper.
• Hips widen.
No two children will develop at exactly the same time, or in exactly the same way. Starting to develop much earlier, or much later than friends can be difficult for a child. |
You may think only your child asks difficult questions at the most awkward time. You may also wonder what other children ask.
Some Sample Questions and Answers
Where Do Babies Come From?
Answer for a four year old: "Babies are made by a father and mother, and grow in a special place in the mother's body, called a 'uterus'."
Answer for a nine year old: "Babies come from a man and woman having sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse usually happens when a man and woman love each other. If they both want to, the man and woman get close together. Then the man slides his penis into the woman's vagina. This is called 'sexual intercourse.'
Sperm comes out of the man's penis into the woman's vagina. If the sperm joins with an egg in the woman's body, the egg is fertilized. This new cell usually develops into a baby. It grows in the mother's uterus over the next nine
months."
Why Don't I Have Breasts?
Answer: "You do, but they are very small and flat. When a girl grows into a woman, her breasts get larger. Men's breasts stay flat."
Common Grade 5 and 6 Questions
• If my Mom got her period at a young age, will I? How can I talk to my Mom about this?
• Why does puberty worry humans and not animals?
• Why do people make such a big thing about sex?
• My mother says that since I haven't had my period I am not mature. Is that true?
• Is it natural to be scared of growing up? Are most people grouchy when they first start to develop?
• Why do girls have cramps during their period?
• How do I know if I'm normal?
• My friend wants to know how sperm gets into a woman's womb.
• What are 'virgins'?
• Are you supposed to have a lot of pubic hair at 11?
• Some books show funny things men and women do; why do they?
• What happens to your sperm after a wet dream?
• Why do your nipples pop out when you are cold?
Remember, there's no such thing as a stupid
question, or a dirty question.
Clarify what your child really wants to know before you answer.
Child: "Where do babies come from?"
Parent: "Do you want to know where they grow?"
2. Clear up any wrong information your child may have.
Child: "I grew in Mommy's stomach."
Parent: "You grew in Mommy's womb."
3. Find out how much your child already knows.
Child: "What does 'rape' mean?"
Parent: "What do you think it means?"
4. If you cannot answer right away, be sure you get back to it.
Here are some ideas for helping your son and daughter grow up so they can follow personal interests, choose any job, and be free from sexual assault.
Acknowledge children's feelings.
Boys and men don't always have to be tough and able to handle everything. It's OK for boys to cry when they're hurt or upset. It's important to talk with someone about your feelings when you're sad, mad, or mixed-up. Girls and women do not always have to be nice and helpful - especially if someone asks them to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Girls can be brave and assertive.
Change your language to be gender neutral.
Use words like 'firefighter', 'letter carrier', and 'police officer' (to replace 'fireman, 'mailman', and 'policeman'). For example, if your child tells you, "A police officer came to school and taught us about safety today," you could respond with "What did he or she teach you?"
Give children the freedom to be themselves.
Offer your child all sorts of toys and activities. Tea parties and hockey games can be fun for children of both sexes. Watch your child play. Sometimes you can learn about their attitudes as you watch the little mommies and daddies play. If you are upset by what you see or hear, talk about it with them. School, T.V., and videos all influence how your child sees men and women. Watching you at home makes a big impression, too.
Share household chores.
Who does what around your house? Is there separate men's work and women's work where you live? You can set the example: If a father asks his son to help fold the laundry, and the son says "That's girls' work," the father can say, "It's boy's work when you and I do it. Come on, give me a hand."
Promote equal rights.
Do your children have equal rights at home regardless of their sex? For example, do you have different rules for teenage boys and girls? If so, are you open with them about what your real fears are? Would your daughter say: "Why can't I go to the mall with my friends? You always let Tony go. You don't trust me." If your reply is, "I trust you, Maria; it's the boys I don't trust," ask yourself if this is fair. Does it teach your daughter the skills she will need all her adult life to take care of herself? We must teach children to respect themselves and others. We can teach children to be clear about what they want, and what they don't want, and how to make that clear to other people.
The Importance of Touch
It's important to remember that most touching is positive and healthy.
Some people think that once a child reaches a certain age, he or she should no longer be kissed or cuddled. But we all need to be touched and held - all our lives. Touch gives children a feeling of closeness, comfort, safety, and peace.
Perhaps you have seen the bumper sticker that says, 'Have you hugged your child today?' This message is important in more than one way. A hug from a parent is a clear way for a child to feel loved. When you show your child love, you are also teaching her or him how to love and value others. This is a very important part of sex education
Give Your Child The Skills Needed For Protection Against Abuse
Most parents want to know how to protect their children without scaring them. There is little point in teaching "Don't talk to strangers." Most sexual abusers are someone the child knows and trusts.
Both physical and sexual abuse are against the law. Unfortunately, both are still very common.
Teach your child what is OK, and what is not OK. Here are some tips, adapted from Dorothy Corkill Briggs' book, called, Your Child's Self Esteem.
1. Teach your child dictionary words for all body parts, including the genitals.
2. Talk with your child about touching at a very young age. Tell your child that she or he has the right to say 'No'. Respect that right yourself. No child should be forced into kissing, tickling, squeezing or spending private time with adults if she or he does not want to.
3. Respect your child's 'gut' reactions. "I don't like that piano teacher any more" may be an important message. Ask, "Why not?"
4. Tell your child that it's not OK for an adult to ask a child to keep a secret unless, of course, it's a secret that's fun, easy to understand, and feels good - like a surprise birthday party.
5. When you talk about sexual abuse, use phrases such as: 'touching your private parts' or 'asking you to look at or touch their genitals.' Give lots of different examples of abuse like 'hugging and kissing that makes you feel funny,' or 'asking you to take your clothes off.'
6. If your child tells you about an abuse, don't panic. Take it slowly. Ask for more details. Getting angry might make the child feel guilty. Say, "I'm glad you told me," and "It's not your fault." Then, get help from the Children's Aid Society (see Local Service Agencies).
Recommended Reading
For Young Children
The Bare Naked Book by Kathy Stinson; Annick
Press, Toronto, 1999.
This is a light-hearted book suitable for preschoolers. Using family-oriented pictures, it names all our external body parts.
See How You Grow by Dr. Patricia Pearse; Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 1988.
This is an excellent lift-the-flap book with clear illustrations.
Your Body Belongs to You by C. Spelman; Albert Whitman & Company, 1997.
An introduction to abuse prevention, in simple language suitable for preschoolers.
See How You Grow by Dr. Patricia Pearse: Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 1988.
This is an excellent lift-the-flap book with clear illustrations.
My Body is Private by L. Walvoord Girard; Albert Whitman & Company,1984.
A young girl talks about what 'private' means. Most of the time we like to be touched, but if it doesn't feel good, "you can say no".
Everybody has a Bellybutton by Laurence Pringle, 1997.
A factual look at fetal development, using illustrations. Terminology will be more easily understood by older children.
Boys, Girls, and Body Science by Meg Hickling, 2002; Harbour Publishing
The facts of life are explained by a leading sexual health educator in a language children understand, using simple illustrations and humour.
How Was I Born? by Lennart Nilsson and Lena Katerina Swanberg; Dell Publishing,1996.
Includes photographs of fetal development, and differences between boys and girls. Alternate texts for younger or older children.
What's the Big Secret? Talking about Sex with
Girls and Boys by Laurie and Marc Brown, 1997.
Using delightful illustrations, addresses gender stereotypes, touching, and gives an introduction to sex and reproduction.
For Pre-Teens
A Very Touching Book...For Little People and
Big People by Jan Hindman, 2000; Alexandria Associates.
Using humourous illustrations and text, teaches children how to assess appropriateness of touching situations.
The What's Happending to My Body? Book for Boys: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Sons by Lynda Madaras with Area Madaras, Newmark Press, N.Y., 2000.
For Parents
From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children - From Infancy to Middle School by Debra W. Haffner; Newmarket Press, 2004
But How'd I Get in There in the First Place?: Talking to Your Young Child About Sex by Deborah M. Roffman, 2002
Sex and Sensibility: A Parent's Guide to Talking
Sense about Sex by Deborah M. Roffman, 2001
Speaking of Sex: Are You Ready to Answer the
Questions Your Kids Will Ask? by Meg Hickling, 1996
Talking to your Kids about Sex- from Toddlers
to Preteens by Lauri Berkenkamp and Steven C. Atkins, 2002
When Sex is the Subject: Attitudes and Answers
for Young Children by Pamela M. Wilson, ETR Associates, 1991
Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to
Know About SEX (but were afraid they'd ask):
the Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual
Development from Birth to the Teens by J. Richardson and M. Schuster, 2003
Straight Talk: Sexuality Education for Parents and Kids 4-7 by M. Ratner, 1985
Developing Personal Safety Skills in Children with Disabilitiesby Freda Biggs,1995
Websites
www.pcchu.ca
www.peterboroughealthyfamilies.ca
www.sexualityandu.ca
www.tcac.on.ca
Children's Aid Society (Kawartha-Haliburton)
743-9751 or 1-800-661-2843
Community Counseling and Resource Centre
742-4258
Family and Youth Clinic - Peterborough Regional Health Centre
876-5114
Kinark Child and Family Services
742-3803
Pediatric Sexual Assault Program -
Women's Health Care Centre
743-4132
Peterborough Youth Services
743-1681
Peterborough County-City Health Unit
Child Health and Sexual Health programs
743-1000
TTY 743-4700
Toll-free 1-877-743-1010
Peterborough/Lakefield Community Police Service
Crisis phone number 9-1-1
Peterborough Non-emergency calls
876-1122 or 1-800-461-6488
Lakefield Non-emergency calls - 652-3307
Ontario Provincial Police
(County of Peterborough)
742-0401
